blah blah blah wah wah wah don't bother reading this
I went to this life drawing thing tonight. It is not really that much of life drawing though because they wear costumes instead of nudity but I guess there is partial nudity. I dunno the model did a strip tease at the beginning. It was alright but after two hours I had to leave i just couldn't sit there anymore and actually concentrate on that same guy. Bler. Also you can't really big drawing pads so that kinda sucked but whatever it was neat. There was this ego-crushingly hot girl sitting next to me. Whatever she turned out to be this burlesque dancer....maybe it is less ego-crushing to know she is professionally hot ugh.
I'm fucking depressed today. I think I hate my apartment and I don't feel like dealing with it or my stuff this summer/next fall. I am also pretty lonely I guess. I pretty much stay in bed or at my computer for two or three hours everyday till I am like okay seriously Melissa enough and then I just walk around all all day usually doing umm, not much just walking...I sing a lot when I walk I guess which is sorta what makes it fun. I like walking but you can't do it all day and when I came home from walk today I felt pretty defeated just ugh what now? Then I went to that drawing thing and it is the same thing, I get kinda cheered up but I just feel immediately depressed when I come home. So I dunno.... is that my apartment or am I sick of living alone or maybe I am just generally depressed, I can't tell.
God there is nothing like reading about someone elses depression is there? Actually maybe it is better than reading about someone elses happiness. Whhaaattttaya think?
Errgh okay here is the other depression making thought that keeps finding it's way back into my brain. I feel really frustrated creatively. I feel like I am not doing anything new ever I am just writing more garbage and drawing more garbage. I worry a lot about my mind because I feel like maybe it is not capable of concentrating on things for a long time....but I just have this compulsion to be doing something creative all the time. What I mean is...you know when you see a crazy person rambling on and it seems almost like their mind is possessing their bodies to say all these things but somewhere somehow it is not getting out properly. I mean sort of like that. I draw so many things that I just seriously hate to look at but I just keep drawing them I don't know I can't get anything good out.
*I was gonna write more but then I went and drank and didn't feel depressed anymore and I was bored of thinking about that stuff....... so I never finished. you are welcome. |
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